Friday, August 29, 2014

Bro Throws Watermelon at His Cheating Girlfriend

WYFF 4FORT MILL, S.C. —A Fort Mill man has been charged with criminal domestic violence after his girlfriend said he hit her with a watermelon. 

The Herald of Rock Hill reports that a 41-year-old woman told deputies that her boyfriend, 48-year-old Jimmy Poage, had been drinking on Wednesday night and thought she was cheating on him.

The woman said Poage threw a watermelon at her and hit her recently repaired hip.

Police arrived and found Poage walking away from the home. Officers said Poage told them his girlfriend had lied and that she actually had slapped him and smeared watermelon on her own clothes.

There may be a lot more important things going on in the world, but this is hilarious. Ever since I've tried to write about more southern stories for a different aspect of Top Cheddar, I've found nothing but great stories. My last few blogs have been about news from South Carolina and why stop when these crazy hicks keep doing shit like this.

First of all, I just wanna say that there's no way this chick wasn't cheating on the guy. He brought it up while he was hammered which means he's been meaning to talk about it cause he knows about it, but he just didn't know how. Needed a few brews to get him going. You know what they say, drunk words are sober thoughts. Got pissed off, he's drunk so he picked up the closest thing he could shotput at her surgically repaired hip. This guy's clever, he's not crazy. He's not gonna drop a watermelon on her dome, it might kill her. Hit her where it hurts though. Watermelon to the vulnerable hip. That's like a kick in the balls. Now I'm not condoning domestic violence, but I think a fruit to the hip isn't a major crime and it can be laughed about. She'll probably limp for a few days. Hope she has some Tide to get that watermelon off her blouse though. Brutal stains. Also, I absolutely love this guy telling the police that the chick lied and that she was the one who slapped him and then just decided to smear watermelon on herself. That makes the story. The dude's side of the argument is that his girlfriend just decided to rub fucking watermelon all over herself.

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